Now that I have been here almost a month, Baltimore has begun to feel like home. While I cannot say that I have made no mistakes since arriving, I can say that, on the whole, I am so much happier now than I was just 5 weeks ago. The change in my outlook and demeanor is incredible.
I have two jobs now, though I think money will still be pretty tight.
Living in a city like this is phenomenal. Being able to just walk out the front door and walk to work, or to a restaurant, or anywhere has been liberating. I love to walk. I would walk most anywhere, if I could.
And it rains here a lot. I suppose that after a while I will tire of the constant rain, but right now it is exactly what I need. Hailing from a desert clime, rain is such a novelty that any hint of it is enough to rejoice. The rain has the effect of replenishing and rejuvenating the dry, arid countryside, leaving it lush and teeming with life. It has the same effect on me. I feel somehow cleansed.
This is not to say that things have not been difficult. I have no money, and I am completely alone. But for the first time in a long time, I have hope.
I am learning to embrace single life as well. Having never spent more than six months on my own, this has been the most difficult transition for me. But I realized the other day that I am not only ok on my own, I am thriving. All those things I thought I couldn't do without help I have done. And I didn't do them to please someone else, I did them for myself. There is a long way to go yet, but I know that if I meet someone, I am in a much more amenable place.
I had a conversation with my ex-husband tonight which was striking to me for two reasons:
1. He is one of my best friends, and I am grateful for his presence, but I am no longer wholly reliant on him for my self assurance.
2. He was speaking about his new girlfriend, and how he treats her very well. "Like a princess," he said. "I treat her the way I should have treated you."
This second part was remarkable to me. We both were terrible spouses. We both were too young to get married. But I hope that we have learned enough from each other not to make the same mistakes again.
Further, normally when our conversations turn to our former relationship I get sad. It isn't regret, or even so much nostalgia. I suppose that I, in taking marriage vows, really really wanted things to work. And I am sad that I managed (with his help) to fuck up what should have been the most important and momentous relationship in my life. But this time I didn't cry. I didn't get sad. I just allowed that statement to be what it was; an apology of sorts.
Maybe it is just because I have been in the most incredible mood for the last 4 days or so, but life is pretty amazing for me right now. No money, no friends, no clue where I am or how to get to oh, say, target without getting lost. But amazing.
I do have stories to relate about travelling across the country, and I will further disclose my reasons for doing so, but I wanted to update first.
exes and ohs
E
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